How many gears does a French tank have?

Five - Four in reverse and one forward (in case of attack from behind). [Hahahahaha]

Seriously though, today we are going to talk about French military history because the stereotype that Cathy suggested was that the French always lose wars. I would like to begin with an excerpt from the book I am currently reading, Paris to the Moon, by Adam Gopnik*. I feel like he pretty much sums up the actions of the French military in the last 150 years.

"Bordeaux is the town where France goes to give up. It was where the French governemnt retreated from Paris under fire from the Prussians in 1870, and again from the kaiser's armies in 1914, and where, in June 1940, the French government fled in the face of the German advance and soon afterward met not just the fact of defeat but the utter depth of France's demoralization."

So with that preamble, I am going to make a few lists. List A will be the times France has won a conflict. List B will be the times they have lost / surrendered. And List C will be the times where no one is really sure who won. Ready? (Side note: from what I understand, the Gauls [early tribe in what is now France] even surrendered first to Caesar and then to the Franks in something like 50 BCE and the fifth century CE, respectively. This habit of surrendering has been a long time in the making, for real.) (Also, don't feel obligated to read my whole timeline. I'll sum it up for you at the end.) (Also, DISCLAIMER: This is not meant to be 100% accurate and awesome unbiased historical reporting. Duh.)

List A:
5th-6th Century: Clovis I kicked everyone's asses
8th Century: The French bested the "Islamic hordes"
9th Century: Charlemagne won lots of wars and totes created an empire
1066: Norman Conquest (of England)
1337-1453: Hundred Years' War - The French technically "won" the war, but they lost a whole lot of battles
1718-1720: War of the Quadruple Alliance (Britain, France, Austria and Holland beat Spain)
1859: Franco-Austrian War

List B:
1302: Battle of the Golden Spurs (Flemish victory)
1415: Battle of Agincourt (English victory)
1494-1559: Italian Wars
1754-63: Seven Years' War (English victory)
1803-15: Napoleonic Wars (yeah, Napoleon might have gained a lot of territory, but he was ultimately defeated at Waterloo.)
1870-71: Franco-Prussian War
1914-18; 1938-45: WWI & II (I mean, the Allies won but France totally got shat on)
1946-54: First Indochina War
1954-62: Algerian War

List C:
1095-1272: Crusades (I mean, clearly some were successful and some were not, but they were all disasters, let's be honest)
1562-98: Wars of Religion
1667-68: War of Devolution
1672-78: Franco-Dutch War
1683-84: War of the Reunions
1688-97: Nine Years' War
1701-14: War of Spanish Succession
1733-38: War of Polish Succession
1740-1748: War of Austrian Succession
1789-1871: French Revolutions I-IV

Whew. So, by my count, there were seven true wins, ten losses and something like 13 (unless you want to count each and every crusade separately) in which there were no decisive victories. However, with the exception of the Franco-Austrian War of 1859, the French have not actually won a war all by themselves (you know, without the Anglo-Saxons) since the fifteenth century.

To quote a Wikipedia article* about the military history of France, "[After the Algerian War,] De Gaulle often believed that France had little control over its military destiny. Today, despite being a nuclear power and having some of the best trained and best equipped forces in the world, the military role of France is seen in terms of coalition interventions, peacekeeping, and minor disputes."

So yes, kids, you can keep those French military jokes coming. Turns out, stereotypes are indeed based in fact. *I'm going to cite where my quotes are from. You know, so I'm not plagiarizing and stuff.

Paris to the Moon by Adam Gopnik, p. 106
"Military History of France," http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Military_history_of_france