SIA - Socialism in Action

Tonight I played Monopoly - the beloved pasttime of the American capitalist - with a French seven-year-old. I will recount for you how this went and leave it up to you to decide whether her behavior was a product of the French economic and social system or just a little kid not wanting to lose.

Me: Oh man, I love Monopoly! We used to play this all the time when I was growing up.
Kid: Oh good, you know how to play. Ok so here's your money. I go first.
[We play for a while and I buy a bunch of property, clearly. I explain to her how it works if you get a monopoly. We play some more.]
Kid: Oh, I'm running low on money now. I need to go to the bank.
Me: ...?
[Kid takes a few bills out of the bank tray.]
Me: Um, can you do that?
Kid: Yeah, I was almost out of money so I just got some from the bank.
Me: Oh. Um. Ok, that's just not how we play at my house.
Kid: Well that's how you're supposed to play. It's in the rules.
Me: So how do you win? Isn't someone supposed to run out of money?
Kid: No, no one wins. You just play until you're tired of it.
[Her dad walks in.]
Kid: Hey Dad, in Monopoly when you're almost out of money, you just take some out of the bank, right?
Dad: Of course.

Insert "government" where you see "bank" in that exchange and there's France for you. In fact, if you're unemployed (un chomeur), the government gives you a pretty legit annual income to make sure you can still eat and have a home and everything. They treat their citizens really well. America, are you taking notes?

For giggles

My dad sent me some good French military jokes after he read the last post. I felt it would be cruel not to share them.

Back in 2003, Jay Leno said it was no surprise the French wouldn't help us get Saddam Hussein out of Iraq. They didn't help us get Germany out of France, either. Leno added that the French contribution to Iraq could be to teach the Iraqis how to surrender.

Why are French streets tree-lined?
So the Germans can march in the shade.

How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
No one knows, it's never been tried.

What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
The army.

For sale: French rifles... never fired, dropped once.

You're welcome.

How many gears does a French tank have?

Five - Four in reverse and one forward (in case of attack from behind). [Hahahahaha]

Seriously though, today we are going to talk about French military history because the stereotype that Cathy suggested was that the French always lose wars. I would like to begin with an excerpt from the book I am currently reading, Paris to the Moon, by Adam Gopnik*. I feel like he pretty much sums up the actions of the French military in the last 150 years.

"Bordeaux is the town where France goes to give up. It was where the French governemnt retreated from Paris under fire from the Prussians in 1870, and again from the kaiser's armies in 1914, and where, in June 1940, the French government fled in the face of the German advance and soon afterward met not just the fact of defeat but the utter depth of France's demoralization."

So with that preamble, I am going to make a few lists. List A will be the times France has won a conflict. List B will be the times they have lost / surrendered. And List C will be the times where no one is really sure who won. Ready? (Side note: from what I understand, the Gauls [early tribe in what is now France] even surrendered first to Caesar and then to the Franks in something like 50 BCE and the fifth century CE, respectively. This habit of surrendering has been a long time in the making, for real.) (Also, don't feel obligated to read my whole timeline. I'll sum it up for you at the end.) (Also, DISCLAIMER: This is not meant to be 100% accurate and awesome unbiased historical reporting. Duh.)

List A:
5th-6th Century: Clovis I kicked everyone's asses
8th Century: The French bested the "Islamic hordes"
9th Century: Charlemagne won lots of wars and totes created an empire
1066: Norman Conquest (of England)
1337-1453: Hundred Years' War - The French technically "won" the war, but they lost a whole lot of battles
1718-1720: War of the Quadruple Alliance (Britain, France, Austria and Holland beat Spain)
1859: Franco-Austrian War

List B:
1302: Battle of the Golden Spurs (Flemish victory)
1415: Battle of Agincourt (English victory)
1494-1559: Italian Wars
1754-63: Seven Years' War (English victory)
1803-15: Napoleonic Wars (yeah, Napoleon might have gained a lot of territory, but he was ultimately defeated at Waterloo.)
1870-71: Franco-Prussian War
1914-18; 1938-45: WWI & II (I mean, the Allies won but France totally got shat on)
1946-54: First Indochina War
1954-62: Algerian War

List C:
1095-1272: Crusades (I mean, clearly some were successful and some were not, but they were all disasters, let's be honest)
1562-98: Wars of Religion
1667-68: War of Devolution
1672-78: Franco-Dutch War
1683-84: War of the Reunions
1688-97: Nine Years' War
1701-14: War of Spanish Succession
1733-38: War of Polish Succession
1740-1748: War of Austrian Succession
1789-1871: French Revolutions I-IV

Whew. So, by my count, there were seven true wins, ten losses and something like 13 (unless you want to count each and every crusade separately) in which there were no decisive victories. However, with the exception of the Franco-Austrian War of 1859, the French have not actually won a war all by themselves (you know, without the Anglo-Saxons) since the fifteenth century.

To quote a Wikipedia article* about the military history of France, "[After the Algerian War,] De Gaulle often believed that France had little control over its military destiny. Today, despite being a nuclear power and having some of the best trained and best equipped forces in the world, the military role of France is seen in terms of coalition interventions, peacekeeping, and minor disputes."

So yes, kids, you can keep those French military jokes coming. Turns out, stereotypes are indeed based in fact. *I'm going to cite where my quotes are from. You know, so I'm not plagiarizing and stuff.

Paris to the Moon by Adam Gopnik, p. 106
"Military History of France," http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Military_history_of_france

Le Medecin Chez Moi

Today I had a very interesting experience. Apparently here in France, doctors still do house calls. Now, maybe I've just been missing out on this awesomeness in the U.S. for some reason, but I kind of thought that doctors stopped doing that in the 1920s or something. So, without further ado, I present to you a thesis (based entirely on anecdotal evidence): the French are a) overmedicated in a way that would put 30327 to shame (you know what I mean, Atlanta people) and b) hypochodriacs.

So the four-year-old has been sick with a pretty minor cold for the past week or so, and was therefore given antibiotics, nasal spray, cough syrup, fever medicine and suppositories (don't really know why he needs those but the French LOVE suppositories). The doctor came back again today to re-examine him because he is still coughing, as well as to check out the seven-year-old and me. The seven-year-old was given the same laundry list of medications and diagnosed with something that sounded like "rhinopharagine" (I suppose that if spelled phonetically it would look like this: REE-no-fair-a-GENE) which I suspect might be the French hypochondriac version of "common cold." Which leads me to this: antibiotics and suppositories for a common cold? I ask you.

Then the doctor got to me. Apparently I have what sounds like "sinusite" (or SEE-noo-SEET). I believe this is French for "sinus infection." I mean, I could have told him that. That's why I've been taking all the Nyquil. Alas, it's not enough. Apparently I should be taking antibiotics, steroid nasal spray, allergy medicine, sore throat syrup and narcotic cough pills. The pharmacist was apalled when I told her I only wanted the antibiotics and spray. I mean, how will I survive?

What really put the nail in the coffin of my opinion of French hardiness, though, was the four-year-old's little accident this evening. He stubbed his toe, which seemed to be fine until he looked at it and saw he had torn a nail and it was bleeding a little. This led to hyperventilating and tears. So I gave him a Transformers band-aid and figured he would be fine. But no. Here are some of the things I heard him say tonight: "Well, I guess I can't go to school tomorrow because I have a boo-boo on my toe and I won't be able to wear shoes." "Elizabeth, I need to sit at the big table at dinner because when I sit at the little table my feet touch the floor and, you know, I have a boo-boo on my toe." "Elizabeth, will you carry me to the kitchen? I can't walk because of the boo-boo on my toe." He also called his mom to tell her. You know, just in case he needs his leg amputated or something.

In Cathy's opinion, this is why the French never win wars. More on that next time. Until then, gros bisous from cold, windy Paris, France.

Sex, drugs and French judgment

Ok, so now that I'm in an upper-level French class, we have "debates." Today's happened to be about drugs, alcohol and smoking. First of all, in 90's French slang (the only kind my teacher knows, let's be honest) "weed" = something that sounds suspiciously like "shit" with a French accent. "Sheet," if you will. But you have to purse your lips and sound pompous when you say it. But that's beside the point. The point here is that during today's debate, my professor JUDGED me. The conversation went something like this (but in French, c'est clair):

Prof: "I've noticed that English, German, Australian and American girls drink far too much and get very drunk in public."
Elizabeth: "I don't think that's always true. I mean, maybe when we go out on the weekends we drink a little more than French girls, but..."
Prof (staring me down): "Elizabeth, when you go out, do you ever have more than two drinks?"
Elizabeth: "I mean, yeah, I guess... sometimes..."
Prof (talking over me and with clear judgment in her eyes): "Don't you know that French men hate it when girls get drunk?"

Jeez. Also, I was talking to an Irish girl in my class about the shady "mecs" (slang for guys) who hang around the Barbes-Rochechouart area where my favorite market is. She was saying how any time those guys see a younger woman they'll kind of follow her down the street and yell things at her and some brave ones will even try to grope her. So we were making all the jokes about throwing a 'bow in said mec's face when my professor interrupted and said, "Well you American girls wear your skirts too short and that's probably why they're following you."

...

I mean, I don't even wear short skirts (they're impractical for crawling around on the floor after a 4-year-old), but are we saying it's a girl's fault if she gets sexually harrassed?

Anyway, the point I wanted to make before I got sidetracked by the mecs is that the culture of having a few drinks with friends is very different here than it is in the U.S. For example, Kay and I went out to a cafe one night with a French guy, Cyril, and each of us had two drinks and then when Kay and I weren't paying attention, Cyril paid the bill and told us it was time to go home. I felt like a badly-behaved college freshman for even entertaining the thought of staying out later or having another glass of wine. I mean, it's fine because I'm not going out on the weekends looking to get completely blitzed. But like, they drink their beer out of a 25 centiliter wine glass. Wine glasses, I tell you!